A Stream of Consciousness that had to get out.
Do you know the feeling when you’re lonely, when you’re desperatly longing for someone to text you, check up on you and ask you a simple “hey, watcha doin right now?” And if you do, do you furthermore also know how at the very same time that you crave company, you knew that whoever would ask you to hangout, you’d decline because you know you just can’t? So you find yourself in a constant struggle with yourself, being sad, disappointed and lonely and simultaneously dreading that someone might actually contact you. Well, that just sucks. And yet, it happens ever so often lately. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how to fill the unexplicable void. I spent ages trying to decide what I wanna eat, what I wanna watch, what I wanna read, what I wanna do. And end up eating nothing (or later shuffling too much food in my mouth because I’m so fucking hungry), watching the same bland TV series that doesn’t give me anything, wasting my life away although there are so many miraculous things I could do instead. Why now? I don’t know. I can’t explain, I can’t find a reason and I struggle to find the strength to keep going. Life offers me so many moments of love, metaphorical rays of sunshine and the best friends I could wish for. So where does the pain, the void come from? I don’t know. But it won’t stop nudging me and taking my energy away and I just wanna sleep it off, run it off, but the sleep won’t come and if it does, it’s not the good one, and the sport doesn’t help as much any more and I just wish I had all the answers and MAKE IT GO AWAY. But I can’t. And I don’t have the answers. I don’t.