Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche

….is that title of a satirical masculine cookbook by Bruce Feirstein. And this is a recipe. Not from the book. And counterproductive for all alpha males out there. So everyone with a fragile masculinity should probably stop reading and start on more testosteroic activities – The Manly Art of Knitting should do the trick, another literary gem. Sadly, you will miss out on a delicious springtime dish and that means, there will be more for me, yay! And I prefer betas anyway, less bugs and technical fuck-ups. Usually, a quiche needs three things: a flaky pie crust (which can be bought, but here we’ll DIY), an egg-milk-mixture, and chopped up ingredients of your own choosing.

Alright then, here we go:

For the pastry mix 225g plain flour /125g cold (!) butter, sliced and diced / 1 egg yolk / 1/2 tsp salt together. Have some cold water and some flour ready. Knead knead knead and add water or flour until you get a nice, sticky but not too gooey consistence. Roll it into a ball, wrap it in cling foil and let it chill in the fridge for an hour.

Preheat the oven to 180°C/315 Fahrenheit.

In the meantime, peel and boil 6 middle-sized potatoes. Once they’re done, take them out and mash them with a fork. Add some salt, pepper and nutmeg.

Next, we’ll need 300g each of white and green asparagus. Take a big pot (the asparagus should in its length fit in) fill it halfway with water, add a little salt and a piece of butter and get it to boiling. Peel the white asparagus and chop off the rear end. Now depending on the thickness and state of the green asparagus, maybe chop off the end, too, and maybe peel it, too. Green asparagus doesn’t necessarily have to be peeled unless it’s overly hard and wooden on the outer layer. As soon as the water is boiling, put in the white asparagus first and add the green after 1-2 minutes. Close the lid, reduce the temperature to simmering and leave it in there for 5-6 minutes. The asparagus shouldn’t be completely done but it should be significantly softer. Strive for nice and bendy. Take them out of the water, set them aside and let them cool down.

Quiche is like revenge. A dish best served cold.

I lovelovelove asparagus. Spargelzeit = Liebe.

Take the pastry out of the fridge and invite it to a dance: it’s waiting to be waltzed out (I’m aware you can’t say that but in German, we say auswalzen and I kinda like the mental image. Your kitchen work top is the dancefloor and you spread out in all directions.). The pastry should be round(ish) and big enough to cover a greased quiche tin and leave enough for the edge. Slightly press it into the form, take a fork and perforate it.

Spread the potato mashed on top of the base and slightly press it down with a fork. As firm as the ground coffee in a mocha but not as firm as in an espresso machine. Now comes the artsy part. Cut the asparagus in half and slice 100g cooked ham in stripes, approximately as wide and as long as the asparagus. Start on the outside of the inside of the quiche tin and arrange it like this, working yourself towards the centre: a ring of asparagus, followed by a ring of ham, followed by a ring of asparagus and so forth. It should look similar to this. Probably prettier. I’m not good with decorating and arranging food.

Good news is: if it doesn’t look pretty, it doesn’t matter, it’ll be covered anyway in: 100ml cream, 100g sour cream, 2 eggs, 50g grated Parmesan. Whisk all ingredients together and pour that mixture over your culinary craftwork. Sprinkle some grated parmiggiano on top and bake it in the oven for 40 minutes.

Switch the oven off but leave it in for another 5 minutes before taking it out and letting it cool down (ideally) or at least as long as you can resist the irresistible aroma of baked goods. The combination of Quiche dough and mashed potatoes makes it extra flaky and crumbly. Compared to your standard quiche recipe, it tastes less eggy. I love eggs, ut I don’t like it to be the dominant flavour in my quiche. And now: Enjoy! If there are any, store the leftovers in the fridge and have them with a salad on the side the next day for lunch.

Suitable for all sexes and genders.

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